My Little Angel !!!

So..I am gonna take this opportunity to tell you about one of my favorite things in life. Stuart.
Now dont get me wrong..I really love all my kids...but he is the baby, and I fought so hard to have him in my life...and he just holds a really special place in my heart. I love being able to spend my days with him. He has the sweetest spirit. He is smart and funny and his smile always makes me happy.

He loves watching movies, and its so funny to me that he wants to watch the same movies over and over. Lately, he has the movie, Cars , running constantly. He isnt always sitting watching it, but he likes that when he's tired, he can go sit for a few minutes, and there it is. LOL. His other favorites are Home On The Range, Ratatouille, and Meet the Robinsons. all great movies if you haven't seen them. I especially LOVE Meet the Robinsons.



Tonight when I was putting him to bed, I said, "You have to be Quiet because TJ and Dylan are sleeping!" and I showed him, his brothers asleep. When I lay him in his bed, he asked " please mommy, pretty please can Stuart wake up Dylan?" which really made me laugh. He has a lot of fun with both his big brothers, and I know they love each other a lot.
He is in a stage right now, where he always refers to himself in 3rd person. Probably just because he is starting to grasp the difference between me, and I , and stuart.
But its so cute to hear him say..Can stuart go outside?
or Can Stuart and Mommy lay down on Mommys bed?
Can Stuart have an orange?
It also cracks me up that he calls rice krispy treats...Christmas trees.
I agree, the words sound the same, but its funny.
I have a new addiction for the rice krispy treats you can buy at the store, so of course he wants them too. :)

He brings so much joy into my life, I love him so much, I am a lucky girl!

so sad

I am feeling so sad right now. Its so hard sometimes to shake it. It creeps up on me...little reminders and certain thoughts....and before I know it...I break down and cry again.
Life is so different. I wish sometimes that I could go back to how things used to be. But then I think about Jared...and I know thats not what I want.
I still love him, but more for who he once was, then who he is now. He brought me so much hurt and pain..but at the same time, he brought me much happiness. I loved him truly, madly, and deeply for so long. Its so hard now, to feel the emptiness and loneliness. It hurts to know that the love of my life is over and gone. I feel such a sense of loss and its terribly overwhelming. I almost feel like I am going through the steps of greiving. Like my husband died. He is still alive, but my the man that I loved for so long is only in my memories and in my heart.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I am really depressed about starting over. Being in the situation I am now...I feel like the past decade was such a waste for me.

I found a letter today, that my mom wrote to my dad shortly before they got married. Her tender words of affection and her excitement for their future together...made me so emotional, I felt like I could barely breathe.
The hope of new love...the dreams for a future together and a family... it really got to me.
Seeing the young handwriting that said....I promise I will love you forever and ever..I know we can make it my sweet love....
They divorced after 20 years of marriage.
It just killed me to read it and think...
I just wonder if knowing the outcome, if they would have still married.

I always say that I hate Jared and I regret marrying him. But its not true.
I loved him with all my heart and all my soul. I believe we were meant to be together. I spent 12 of my 29 years alive with him. thats almost half my life...
He loved me. He didnt treat me the way I thought he should, and he didnt show it the way I wished he would.
But I lived every day knowing that he cared about me and loved me. I knew he was on my side. I felt safe and secure.
He took care of me and our kids. He loves them so much and he was a great father to them.
We traveled around and sometimes it felt like it was us vs. the world.
We worked hard, and we worked together....and we were OK.
I dont regret the years we were married. I am grateful that I had the chance to love and be loved. Even if it didnt last...
some people will never know love like what I once had...and I may never feel it again.

So I will learn to cherish those memories, and be grateful for the opportunities I was given.
I hope that love will return to me.
I am happier being a wife and mother...than being single.
I am learning a lot about myself. A lot about the world..and other people.
But still...I dont feel like this is my place.

I have a strong spirit. I have a huge heart and I am a good person. Sometimes I think that no one will ever fulfill my expectations...
and I will grow old alone.
But deep down, I hope there is someone looking for me...and when he finds me, he will know. And I will know...and everything in my past will have been just leading up to something greater.
Someone who will make me feel...like a lucky girl.

"Heaven forbid, you end up alone...and you don't know why.
Hold on tight...wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright..."
(Heaven Forbid-The Fray)

Adams Wedding

The family was all together for Adam and Lisa's wedding! It was a lovely wedding. Adam looked so handsome, Lisa was so beautiful..I think everything was perfect!

I love Lisa and I am so glad she is a part of our family now! I had so much fun at the wedding and spending time with my family! It's been a few years since we were all together...I especially had fun at our slumber party at Paiges.

I am sooo sorry Jimmy that we kept kicking your butts at scene it. LOL. We played a lot of Scene It, the dvd game. The teams were Me, Adrienne, Emily and Rachel vs. Janna, Brian, Jimmy and Paige. We all really like to play trivia games like this...we do it everytime we can, when we get together. There are SOME people who dont like to play...but dont worry, we still love you.heehee. Sometimes...like when we were playing the games, I think about how weird it seems to me that Jared isn't there, and isnt on my team. It's times like that that I almost kinda miss him.

Well anyways...I love my sisters so much!!! It was really fun to be able to play and spend time with them :) I have the greatest brothers and sisters ever...I am a lucky girl!

My Friends

Through all the struggles and confusion in my life, I am very blessed to have great friends.

They are always there for me. They are the funniest and nicest people I know. I am so grateful that our paths crossed and brought them each into my life. I am a lucky girl!

TJ's Birthday

Well...TJ turned ten!! Nothing makes me feel older than hearing those words!! LOL.

We had cake and presents for him, at Grandpa JJ's house. Ian and Buffy came with Riley and Peyton, and Paige came with Joey,William, and Allison. and of course Grandpa JJ, Roxana and Lisa were there too.

TJ really likes the Boston Cream donuts at Krispy Kreme, so I tried this new recipe for a Boston Cream Pie Cake. I was worried about it..but I think it was actually very tasty, and the kids especially loved it.

Ian and Buffy couldnt stay long, but Paige and I had a few laughs....and some good talkin...

TJ had fun, and we are so glad everyone could come over and celebrate with us!!

I love my funny kids! I am a lucky girl!

Blogging once more...

OK... so I decided to blog again. I am sure it will be completely different now....but then, so is my life!!