so sad

I am feeling so sad right now. Its so hard sometimes to shake it. It creeps up on me...little reminders and certain thoughts....and before I know it...I break down and cry again.
Life is so different. I wish sometimes that I could go back to how things used to be. But then I think about Jared...and I know thats not what I want.
I still love him, but more for who he once was, then who he is now. He brought me so much hurt and pain..but at the same time, he brought me much happiness. I loved him truly, madly, and deeply for so long. Its so hard now, to feel the emptiness and loneliness. It hurts to know that the love of my life is over and gone. I feel such a sense of loss and its terribly overwhelming. I almost feel like I am going through the steps of greiving. Like my husband died. He is still alive, but my the man that I loved for so long is only in my memories and in my heart.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I am really depressed about starting over. Being in the situation I am now...I feel like the past decade was such a waste for me.

I found a letter today, that my mom wrote to my dad shortly before they got married. Her tender words of affection and her excitement for their future together...made me so emotional, I felt like I could barely breathe.
The hope of new love...the dreams for a future together and a family... it really got to me.
Seeing the young handwriting that said....I promise I will love you forever and ever..I know we can make it my sweet love....
They divorced after 20 years of marriage.
It just killed me to read it and think...
I just wonder if knowing the outcome, if they would have still married.

I always say that I hate Jared and I regret marrying him. But its not true.
I loved him with all my heart and all my soul. I believe we were meant to be together. I spent 12 of my 29 years alive with him. thats almost half my life...
He loved me. He didnt treat me the way I thought he should, and he didnt show it the way I wished he would.
But I lived every day knowing that he cared about me and loved me. I knew he was on my side. I felt safe and secure.
He took care of me and our kids. He loves them so much and he was a great father to them.
We traveled around and sometimes it felt like it was us vs. the world.
We worked hard, and we worked together....and we were OK.
I dont regret the years we were married. I am grateful that I had the chance to love and be loved. Even if it didnt last...
some people will never know love like what I once had...and I may never feel it again.

So I will learn to cherish those memories, and be grateful for the opportunities I was given.
I hope that love will return to me.
I am happier being a wife and mother...than being single.
I am learning a lot about myself. A lot about the world..and other people.
But still...I dont feel like this is my place.

I have a strong spirit. I have a huge heart and I am a good person. Sometimes I think that no one will ever fulfill my expectations...
and I will grow old alone.
But deep down, I hope there is someone looking for me...and when he finds me, he will know. And I will know...and everything in my past will have been just leading up to something greater.
Someone who will make me feel...like a lucky girl.

"Heaven forbid, you end up alone...and you don't know why.
Hold on tight...wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright..."
(Heaven Forbid-The Fray)